Monday, 21 March 2011

Staying on my own...and my failiure and hookers

I have so far failed in my quest to find some 'social' groups to join. I did do a blog on here asking if anyone knew of any groups that I could join but I go no replies. John, my psychologist, is very concerned at my social isolation. He has gone to lengths to tell me how 'friendship' is essential in our lives. But it is not something I can change over night. It is very frustrating and I do not believe it will change. It makes me spit blood with rage when people who know fuck all keep saying..oh but there are loads of groups you can join. Well let me tell you something...I have bled trying to find all these groups...I am a 46 year old man for fuck sake and it is simply a myth that there is so much out pisses me off beyond words.

He often talks to me about my non sex life...something that has been dead for coming up to 7 years. It will stay that way...ok he tells me I don't know that but I do. I will be single now until I turn to dust. I mean how can I even contemplate 'romance' ( ha ha don't make me laugh) when I can not even create a simple social life. I live a lonely life and it is fucking hard and at times almost impossible because the silence is so NOISY...the longer it goes on that I can not find anything to join the harder it gets and the more my social fear kicks in and my bdd takes over so its a vicious circle.....even my writing is starting not to matter to me...writing deluded poetry that hardly anyone reads is quite demoralizing.

There have been many nights when I have thought of downing the pills with a bottle of something because it is so fucking hard not having someone to just share things with. I hope it will not come to that....thoughts of suicide are not what they once were but I have my moments, at night, when I am down. Its a way out and the comfort in that thought keeps me alive when things get bad...its a perverse way to think but it is a survival mechanism...

I shall get me a hooker may help a bit. I need to feel a woman again and if that is what I have to do I will do it...yes its not right to think that way but you are not me and most who read my blogs have someone..have friends when I do hit it off with a hooker I shall blog about it. As far as romance is concerned that is just a misty memory from a past long gone....and anyway who is going to come near a man with bdd/depression and dyslexia......exactly....a hooker. (anyway I have never done that before so I will put it down to a life experience)

T A Roberts (March 2011 London)

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