John, my psychologist, asked me to describe the exact feeling in words that my isolation causes me...to articulate it. As you know, I did, scribble poetry so I am ok with words despite my dyslexia...but on the occasions he has asked me this I have struggled to do justice to the utter misery I can feel at times. Some people have reacted badly to my last blog so I will try and do better in giving you a clue of the emotions I go through quite a few times a week.
When I attempt to describe it to John he will scribble the words down...the ones that do it best justice are isolation, empty, desolate, fear, loneliness, terror, black, hell...silence which is violent..a violent silence.
I am quite sure few, if any, who read this have ever been on their own for long periods of time (best part of 10 years in my case) and I am sure many of you will have a good friend or family member that you can turn to. I have none of the above. So imagine a time when you have felt scared, lonely or you just need a fucking hug...none of that has come my way for years and years. I have tried..and tried and tried...until the point that I am frustrated that anger kicks in.....
I have never written these blogs for sympathy and I am sure they are not a comfortable read...I do not need violins playing...what I am saying is it is a vicious circle. If I do what I am asked and try to engage with other people I have to go through the process on your own...say something as simple as going to the pub; well you look an utter billy no mates cunt...and I am a billy no mates...I am the real deal. You then feel as though people are looking at you and when that happens to me the BDD kicks in and I will lock me away.
There is no one for me to talk to this stuff about apart from John once a week...I have gone a whole month of not talking to another adult...of not opening my mouth for words to come out....so that is as isolated as one can get and its fucking hell at times..I am quite smart, well read and knowledgeable...I am not stupid and I am not mad or crazy or dangerous....I am 5ft 8, bald, slim and not eye candy...that is me talking and not the BDD...so take the BDD away and I have little chance it certain areas of life....
T A Roberts (March 2011 London)
When I attempt to describe it to John he will scribble the words down...the ones that do it best justice are isolation, empty, desolate, fear, loneliness, terror, black, hell...silence which is violent..a violent silence.
I am quite sure few, if any, who read this have ever been on their own for long periods of time (best part of 10 years in my case) and I am sure many of you will have a good friend or family member that you can turn to. I have none of the above. So imagine a time when you have felt scared, lonely or you just need a fucking hug...none of that has come my way for years and years. I have tried..and tried and tried...until the point that I am frustrated that anger kicks in.....
I have never written these blogs for sympathy and I am sure they are not a comfortable read...I do not need violins playing...what I am saying is it is a vicious circle. If I do what I am asked and try to engage with other people I have to go through the process on your own...say something as simple as going to the pub; well you look an utter billy no mates cunt...and I am a billy no mates...I am the real deal. You then feel as though people are looking at you and when that happens to me the BDD kicks in and I will lock me away.
There is no one for me to talk to this stuff about apart from John once a week...I have gone a whole month of not talking to another adult...of not opening my mouth for words to come out....so that is as isolated as one can get and its fucking hell at times..I am quite smart, well read and knowledgeable...I am not stupid and I am not mad or crazy or dangerous....I am 5ft 8, bald, slim and not eye candy...that is me talking and not the BDD...so take the BDD away and I have little chance it certain areas of life....
T A Roberts (March 2011 London)
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