Wednesday, 23 March 2011

I have given up the hope...the hope is what kills you (spoken/written)

I will go and see John on Friday and tell him that his idea that I would find somewhere to socially interact has failed. I am not putting myself through this anymore because it is making me feel worse. I have tried and tried and tried again to find a group or something to join and it aint gonna happen. Any of the requests I have put on line have hit a brick wall...check this; I can not even get anyone to march with me on Saturday!!! So John is wrong and I am right. By accepting that I do the rest of my life in social isolation means I can move on. I have accepted that I will never be in a 1 to 1 relationship ever again so I can live with the other. I have done for 10 years and I am still here.

Giving me false hope is bullshit and does nothing but harm. I know no one and never will..end of.

I have also given up trying to look for a job; no one will give me a chance and I have broken my back trying. As soon as they know I have this appointment every Friday and what it is for the door is slammed in my face. I have a brilliant CV. I am a multi skilled Handyman with over 28 years experience. I have worked in some great places including 8 years in West End Theatre. It means fuck all when up against a illness that has me discriminated against as soon as I walk through the door. I can promise you that I do not care if I end up homeless because of it...I have been there before and I will go there again. I am not going to take the mental kicking I get at each rejection. I only know going to work..I have done since 16 but since I lost my job August I have not been given a sniff of a new role. I have nothing now so I am hardly going to be losing anything.

By accepting that I live this life and it is really happening will make move on. There is no light at the end of the tunnel and this tunnel has been going on since 1999.......I am on my own..message received. I will look forward to telling John this during my session on Friday.

T A Roberts ( London 2011)

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