Saturday, 15 January 2011

Dyslexia and the barriers

All the things that I thought made me thick come down to dyslexia; unchecked dyslexia from the age of 7. My therapist has nailed my main issue and it is this issue that gave me the schema of defectiveness, which is the most active schema that I have.

I have always considered me to be a bit thick...I could never spell correctly. My school reports tell me that I could not understand thing correctly...that my writing was untidy...that I had no understanding of maths.  I was put into a handwriting class at 7. I was put into a maths class for extra learning at 13/14. I grasped and embraced the spoken word in Drama though...I excelled in this subject with Pinter and is what made me join pro Theatre at 16 and to escape the misery I felt at school.

My therapist has said that all the traits I display, even now, are ones of a person who has dyslexia. Writing my letters the wrong way round, the way I hold my pen. My ability to use both hands for many things...playing pool with left, playing a guitar (if I could play one) with both; I hold a pen in an awkward way with my right hand.....I still don’t get on with maths at all. I find instructions hard to follow....most things I have over come myself but I feel robbed and cheated of most of my life and what I could have been. I am alphabet blind and this frustrating at times.

My opinions of myself have always been that I am thick, too small/skinny and ugly. I know believe that my BDD was born from this trauma....the trauma of feeling humiliated at School. This is a place where I should have been taken care of but my therapist said that most of the things said in my school report are quite typical of the lack of understanding there was toward this problem. My school reports as good as write me off.........
I am hoping that I will be able to now explain to anyone in the future that this is what I suffer with and that it will help inspire a little more understanding in the future.

T Roberts (London 2011)

Sunday, 9 January 2011

Always on the outside

Imagine this, because not many can; I am 16 years old and have left school, which I hated apart from Drama, and end up 6 weeks later working in West End Theatre...I am from South East London and the boys and girls are tough and uncompromising. Suddenly I am confronted by gay men and women everywhere...I found my home. They were my sympathetic..gentle as well as crude...manly enough but feminine. I had never known an outwardly gay person, not coming out of Peckham/East Dulwich. At school the word poof, homo or gay was used to torment the lesser boys like me.

I knew I was not gay but I knew I liked being around people who were somehow on the outside of life. I befriended black people for the same reasons, but never dare say that my lot was as bad as there's on the left out front. I suppose its why I became a human rights activist.

The bullying that I received at school had left deep marks but I was not aware of  it. I have only become aware of that because of the schema therapy that I am currently going through. During imaging sessions I am taken back to very difficult times in my childhood and teens. The idea is to go back there and extinguish the belief system that I am defective. I mean, I still describe me as being thick. Not knowing I have a form of dyslexia has trapped me for years. The awful bullying I had over my size will still hit me if anyone ever says anything about my size/weight now. Its like all the blood is taken from is awful but people feel they have the right to say things.

These are the facts though....I am 46 and I never go above 12 stone, which for a 5ft 8 fella is perfect according to if Britain is getting fatter, I am not. I eat well.....I do not eat shit.

I am starting to learn that being an outsider is psychotherapist challenged me over a few things, like when I said that I am happy to go through life without friends...I have survived up to now. He said that it was very fulfilling to have friends and said we are not made to do life alone. I said that the idea of being in a relationship does not bother me anymore....yes I miss sex and I miss the company and doing things with someone....but I have been on my own for 6 years and I will survive without. He challenged that as well. I said I am still afraid to go through the process of it all. I have come a long way though in the past year of therapy.

I also told him that I have no time for heterosexual men....ultra macho pricks who judge all....well I have just judged some of them. I have been asked on numerous occasions if I am Gay; like people have the right to ask me this. It has never upset me and I take it as a compliment. I like only feminine people and I am a bit like that myself....I have been told so many if I am different and on the 'outside of life' then so be it. Those who follow sheep end up on the dinner table.

Tim.......London Jan 2011