Always on the outside

Imagine this, because not many can; I am 16 years old and have left school, which I hated apart from Drama, and end up 6 weeks later working in West End Theatre...I am from South East London and the boys and girls are tough and uncompromising. Suddenly I am confronted by gay men and women everywhere...I found my home. They were my sympathetic..gentle as well as crude...manly enough but feminine. I had never known an outwardly gay person, not coming out of Peckham/East Dulwich. At school the word poof, homo or gay was used to torment the lesser boys like me.

I knew I was not gay but I knew I liked being around people who were somehow on the outside of life. I befriended black people for the same reasons, but never dare say that my lot was as bad as there's on the left out front. I suppose its why I became a human rights activist.

The bullying that I received at school had left deep marks but I was not aware of  it. I have only become aware of that because of the schema therapy that I am currently going through. During imaging sessions I am taken back to very difficult times in my childhood and teens. The idea is to go back there and extinguish the belief system that I am defective. I mean, I still describe me as being thick. Not knowing I have a form of dyslexia has trapped me for years. The awful bullying I had over my size will still hit me if anyone ever says anything about my size/weight now. Its like all the blood is taken from me...it is awful but people feel they have the right to say things.

These are the facts though....I am 46 and I never go above 12 stone, which for a 5ft 8 fella is perfect according to medics....so if Britain is getting fatter, I am not. I eat well.....I do not eat shit.

I am starting to learn that being an outsider is ok....my psychotherapist challenged me over a few things, like when I said that I am happy to go through life without friends...I have survived up to now. He said that it was very fulfilling to have friends and said we are not made to do life alone. I said that the idea of being in a relationship does not bother me anymore....yes I miss sex and I miss the company and doing things with someone....but I have been on my own for 6 years and I will survive without. He challenged that as well. I said I am still afraid to go through the process of it all. I have come a long way though in the past year of therapy.

I also told him that I have no time for heterosexual men....ultra macho pricks who judge all....well I have just judged some of them. I have been asked on numerous occasions if I am Gay; like people have the right to ask me this. It has never upset me and I take it as a compliment. I like only feminine people and I am a bit like that myself....I have been told so many times....so if I am different and on the 'outside of life' then so be it. Those who follow sheep end up on the dinner table.

Tim.......London Jan 2011