Saturday, 20 October 2012

Depression...the real last Taboo

You know me by know me by now because you follow me on twitter. I tend to speak off the cuff. I don't shirk the issue. I am a truth teller...well, ok it is my truth. Facing the truth will free you.

Here we are late in 2012 and depression is still a taboo subject. And coming from a man???..shock horror..shoot me now!!

I get a little pissed off with the 'celebrity' depression. They check in to The Priory because they can afford the £500 per nigh fee's. They normally check in after a tabloid has caught them with their nose in the coke bag. Best to say you are having a break down rather than just casually experimenting with Class A drugs. For some reason this kind of 'depression' will win you kudos.

I am not saying for one minute that because you are famous you can't suffer depression. It is an illness that knows no divide. It is just that small number of assholes who can see their career going down the shitter and turn to depression and The Priory to court sympathy.

Bipolar seems trendy with this sort of person at the moment. I have been in hospital with people who suffer is no to be mocked...and I find it astonishing the high level jobs the trendy bipolar celeb has. Presenting TV shows...etc etc....I will leave it there.

Depression kills....depression is something that people would rather not talk about. Well tough...because talking is what is needed.

I have had a good life, up to a point. It could have been worse but it could have been much better. Depression has cost me so much.

I have been in recovery now for 3 you know my therapist is a genius. He pulled me from my gutter. I have to fight it everyday but these days I tend to win.

It has cost be relationships...the reason I am long term single is so that I could deal with this black dog on my shoulder and not bring my gloom on others. So now I am 48 and, well, maybe the 'big love' has passed me by. I will not get depressed about this...('s a joke)

I shall be doing some blogs in the coming weeks and try and tell my side of what it has taken to beat the darkness.....beat is a bit final....I am beating it...that sounds more active.

I love life...I have my 'own way'. Others would see it has lonely, maybe...but I like what and who I am now.

It took 20 years but ...I would not change it. It has shaped me......odd that really.

T.R London 2012

Thursday, 30 August 2012

ATOS ..The Shit That Stinks The Sewer.

I am not someone The Daily Mail can put a label on. Never been a ponce. Paid my Tax. Worked since 16.

A couple of years back I did need the help of the benefits system for a very short period of time, like most normal people will do at some point in their working lives. The majority of us have uncertain jobs. We are not all Civil Servants who appear to believe they are entitled to everything.

Because of my various battles with Depression/BDD I was forced, by one of the best Psychologists in the business, to take time out of work.

I found myself sitting in front of an ATOS health worker. The whole experience was humiliating.

I don't mind someone questioning mine or anyone else's health condition if they hold a qualification within the particular field of expertise in your condition.

I sat in front of someone who had 'Nurse' on their badge. Now I am not trying to be a cunt here but I would not discuss my health to an NHS nurse. A nurse is a nurse. A nurse is NOT a Dr. Is NOT a consultant. Nurses are marvelous but they are not qualified to have opinions on clinical conditions. They are there to serve the condition.

From the moment I walked in the ATOS office I was struck by the coldness of the staff. In their eyes you were guilty as charged with Daily Mail crimes. ATOS employees are bastards.

I had the advantage of not having to worry that their decision on me would ruin me. I would return to work at anytime. Because of this advantage I took on the person who interviewed me.

He had a list of set questions that had no relation to my problems.

I asked him what right he had to question a very experienced 58 year old Psychologist. I asked him what he knew about BDD or Chronic Depression. He had no clue the former existed and he did not know what Chronic meant. I kid you not.

The whole attitude of ATOS staff to me would have made Hitler blush.

They are sub human, these people. No one can possibly love them. How do they sleep at night? Where is their humanity? Where are their ethics if they are nurses/Dr's. Ask any Dr worth his salt and he/she will say they have no clue who ATOS Dr's are or where they came from.

I don't hate them because they cut me off....they didn't. I was successful. I hate them because of what they represent.

There are people out there taking the piss out of the system. Just come round here and check the amount of people with Blue Badge disabled car parking permits. These same people get around perfectly OK. There is a woman on my block who has not worked for 15 years and many of us here could not say why. She has a good life on benefits and yes she should be held to account.

But 99.9% of people who have to go through the system are genuine. They deserve better than an amateur organization like ATOS.

ATOS is a fake company. No one who works for them is a genuine Dr. If they are then the ethical body that looks after Dr's and Nurses should strike them off.

The contempt I have for ATOS knows no bounds. They are the scum of the earth.  As low a form of life that you can find. I include every single one of their employee's in this.

I would rather starve and live homeless than ever let these people dictate my life.

I can only wish the most awful things upon anyone who works for them.  The planned occupations of their offices is, in my eyes, not enough, but it will do for now.

London 2012

Sunday, 25 March 2012

Recovery and Living

I often receive moving emails, comments, regarding my vlogs and blogs about mental health issues. Total strangers step out from the dark.

My own rehab and recovery has taken 15 hard years. Time I will never get back, but if my role in life is to speak out, it will all be worth it. I will not stand by and watch the discrimination and sending to Coventry of those who live in darkness. this 'thing' has been part of my life since a teenager and now I feel like I have cut the chains....

I have sacrificed happiness to get my head right....that is probably the wrong expression....a chronic depressive sacrificing happiness!! What I mean is, I have had to do this on my own. Year upon year of coming home to total silence. Everyone turned their back....but I am their loss...

I have met so many people on this path that I would never have met, so in one way I am grateful to my demons. I have also been treated by the most amazing inspiring people. I am lucky but I had to fight for it. Depression and BDD are aliens in our society of bullshit and shallow ideals. I do know now that I will never step inside The Priory again.

I have been with John for 2 years and 3 months now. He has changed my life and I owe him everything.  I know by my recent relapse that this will never really be over....but I also know by the way I dealt with it that I do now have the tools to help myself.

I will never plan life......I never have. I just go with it....I am far more chilled then I have ever been in my life.

Someone said a really amazing thing to me at work the other day....they said  ''you are a happy person''.....this means so much to me...that I outwardly now look like someone who is always laughing and having a laugh. Inwardly this is also true 80% of the time.....the other 20% can go and fuck itself.

I now feel like the radical I once was again.....going to work back in Theatre again is just the cherry on completed me. That is why I love it. Was my first love at 16....

I now know the limitations of everything and the potential of nothing.....that is how you keep a level head.

Thanks for reading..............

Tx (London, March 2012)