Sunday, 25 March 2012

Recovery and Living

I often receive moving emails, comments, regarding my vlogs and blogs about mental health issues. Total strangers step out from the dark.

My own rehab and recovery has taken 15 hard years. Time I will never get back, but if my role in life is to speak out, it will all be worth it. I will not stand by and watch the discrimination and sending to Coventry of those who live in darkness. this 'thing' has been part of my life since a teenager and now I feel like I have cut the chains....

I have sacrificed happiness to get my head right....that is probably the wrong expression....a chronic depressive sacrificing happiness!! What I mean is, I have had to do this on my own. Year upon year of coming home to total silence. Everyone turned their back....but I am their loss...

I have met so many people on this path that I would never have met, so in one way I am grateful to my demons. I have also been treated by the most amazing inspiring people. I am lucky but I had to fight for it. Depression and BDD are aliens in our society of bullshit and shallow ideals. I do know now that I will never step inside The Priory again.

I have been with John for 2 years and 3 months now. He has changed my life and I owe him everything.  I know by my recent relapse that this will never really be over....but I also know by the way I dealt with it that I do now have the tools to help myself.

I will never plan life......I never have. I just go with it....I am far more chilled then I have ever been in my life.

Someone said a really amazing thing to me at work the other day....they said  ''you are a happy person''.....this means so much to me...that I outwardly now look like someone who is always laughing and having a laugh. Inwardly this is also true 80% of the time.....the other 20% can go and fuck itself.

I now feel like the radical I once was again.....going to work back in Theatre again is just the cherry on completed me. That is why I love it. Was my first love at 16....

I now know the limitations of everything and the potential of nothing.....that is how you keep a level head.

Thanks for reading..............

Tx (London, March 2012)

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