Monday, 14 March 2011

It Is Lonely And Desolate In Here (left to rot)

Well I did try to get something together, like a group, or be led in the right location but I am talking to myself. The so called 'clever' people out there are very quick with bad advice. I said in my previous blog that most doors are closed to a 46 year old man, and this is something I am in the throws of proving to John my psychologist. He has, like so many have, this idea that London is full of groups I could join...believe me I have put the leg work in. There is nothing not anywhere that I can find. I have anyone who wants to tell me telling me that I should 'get out there'. When I ask where this 'there' is the answers are normally...'well there must be something....or hundreds of people join groups etc. This is not true. I do get a bit sick of the self made shrinks and hug a tree brigade on twitter for this is fucking gloomy where I am at so I am suprised I ever get a sense of humour. Those who tell you that this that and the other is out there clearly know nothing about being 'alone' in this world. I have said before, I am not asking for violins...I am asking to 'live'.

London Tonight did an article not too long ago about how London is cut off for single men in their 40's and 50's and the social isolation of it....I was so happy that they covered this that I wrote to them thanking them because I am sick of making a noise about it and everyone telling me what is out take that survey and the fact that I have 'complex issues' then the doors really are closed.

So I have won my argument...he says that he has his team looking into things for me and like I have told him they will not find anything!..It would be nice to be part of something but it is not going to happen. I had a really deep crisis (as the Dr's call it) last year and part of my 'safety stratedgy' was for me to tell them who I could contact that weekend, like a friend or something....I told them there is no one and I almost burst when I have to keep repeating this fact. No one means no one. I have done all they told me...yet nothing changes. I am not a bad person, just one who is judged...

One of the scary things for me, when I felt really bad, was the fact that if I did have an 'accident' in my flat, no one would miss me for maybe two therefore I may die in total isolation, as in life! This was a reality check and a nasty one....

I read a very sad case about the woman they found dead (suicide) and no one knew her...she had a funeral with no one there...that made me sad and maybe focused my mind away from ending it all when I used to think that way. If I get run over and killed I will still be 'alone' for the last act but it would not be so fucking tragic. It pisses me off having so many experts out there who know nothing about being on their own and I doubt they have ever spent more than a few nights Johns words...'' you are like an old person who's family have all died yet you are only 46.'.....welcome to my world...its damn desolate and I pat me on the back for surviving it.

T A Roberts ( March 2011, London)

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