Christmas is coming...close the world out..

I spent the last 5 Christmas's on my own, and considering my birthday falls the day before, on Christmas Eve, this will be 5 birthdays alone. I find this time of year difficult, like lots if people do, maybe doubly so because I get a year older....the images of Christmas are quite hard to cope with at times because it is not something I know...being around family and friends. Even when was working I tended to avoid all the pre Christmas stuff like Parties because of my bdd and my fear of being around people.

My therapy is at a crucial stage now...we are starting to really dig in the dirt of my childhood and teen years...I admit that I find the going very tough...we do imaging work so it can be very distressing.

I am trying very hard to get a job right now but no one will give me a chance...as soon as they know I have this appointment weekly the door is shut on me....that is part of life and having a mental health problem though; if someone accepted me as I was I am quite sure I would pass out there and then. The vast majority of people in any walk of life that you meet treat you very differently once they find out your history...and I do mean the vast majority of people.

I have banged on about it so many times in the past but it is perfectly acceptable in the UK to have a drug habit or a drink habit...that is part of society now and is accepted and quite cool...quite trendy...mention anything depression based and you are a fucking fruit cake. So to this end I do not mind living in my isolated bubble because I do not have to explain myself to anyone....

I have been hanging around twitter for a while now and the realisation that it is actually quite shit is starting to hit home...I have taken to reading again...I will go through phases where I read a book per week and then nothing for months....currently I am reading 1984...what a book!!!..I am nearly 46 and have never opened it before....this is a 'thought crime'!!...my reading has helped calm my mind, for sure, so I shall try and keep it up.

I need all my coping strategy in the next 6 weeks or so to survive this time of the year....I kind of lock myself in 3 or 4 days before Christmas and don't go out at all....it all becomes a bit too much. If I stick by my rules and routine I will be fine...

T A Roberts London Nov 2010.

In my own world

This will read odd to the outside world but my deep depression and social isolation made me invent a world inside my head...and within that world is a kind female who understands me and accepts me despite my affliction.

It is not a fantasy world, as such, but more a comfort; everyone will fantasize but this is stronger. I know it is born from my longing to be accepted or liked, loved etc. 

Social isolation is abnormal and so is not having any connection with any other people; I feel a pang of envy anytime I do see people together in groups....to have that security, from friendship, must be a nice feeling....to see couples doubles the pang.

My biggest fear, normally brought on during the depths of a bad depressive episode, is that I will die in my flat and no one will know or find out....I will be consumed by flies; this feeling keeps me alive when at my worst. The need to be ‘known’ or missed is an odd one but we all live to feel that.

My cut off from ‘people’ and relationships has been such a long one that I am rather numb to effects; sex was years ago, a memory I can recall now and then. I think there is a truth though when people say that sex is more important when you are not getting it.

I have missed out on many things because of this illness....it has cost me more than I could ever add up; It has cost me seeing places and doing so many things.

So the down side to my invented company is that she is not real...she is very kind, too kind in fact, and no not in any sexual way....she is kind as a person and kind to me and this is not a feeling I have ever known. Each time I think of her the desolate reality kicks in that she doesn’t exist and that I am here alone...talking to walls, which I have done for about 8 years. 

Depression is a monster....I can accept BDD, but depression is a beast. It has been with me for so long that I doubt it will ever go fully....I just hope I have not missed too much.

TR Nov/2010