I spent the last 5 Christmas's on my own, and considering my birthday falls the day before, on Christmas Eve, this will be 5 birthdays alone. I find this time of year difficult, like lots if people do, maybe doubly so because I get a year older....the images of Christmas are quite hard to cope with at times because it is not something I know...being around family and friends. Even when was working I tended to avoid all the pre Christmas stuff like Parties because of my bdd and my fear of being around people.
My therapy is at a crucial stage now...we are starting to really dig in the dirt of my childhood and teen years...I admit that I find the going very tough...we do imaging work so it can be very distressing.
I am trying very hard to get a job right now but no one will give me a chance...as soon as they know I have this appointment weekly the door is shut on me....that is part of life and having a mental health problem though; if someone accepted me as I was I am quite sure I would pass out there and then. The vast majority of people in any walk of life that you meet treat you very differently once they find out your history...and I do mean the vast majority of people.
I have banged on about it so many times in the past but it is perfectly acceptable in the UK to have a drug habit or a drink habit...that is part of society now and is accepted and quite cool...quite trendy...mention anything depression based and you are a fucking fruit cake. So to this end I do not mind living in my isolated bubble because I do not have to explain myself to anyone....
I have been hanging around twitter for a while now and the realisation that it is actually quite shit is starting to hit home...I have taken to reading again...I will go through phases where I read a book per week and then nothing for months....currently I am reading 1984...what a book!!!..I am nearly 46 and have never opened it before....this is a 'thought crime'!!...my reading has helped calm my mind, for sure, so I shall try and keep it up.
I need all my coping strategy in the next 6 weeks or so to survive this time of the year....I kind of lock myself in 3 or 4 days before Christmas and don't go out at all....it all becomes a bit too much. If I stick by my rules and routine I will be fine...
T A Roberts London Nov 2010.