This will read odd to the outside world but my deep depression and social isolation made me invent a world inside my head...and within that world is a kind female who understands me and accepts me despite my affliction.
It is not a fantasy world, as such, but more a comfort; everyone will fantasize but this is stronger. I know it is born from my longing to be accepted or liked, loved etc.
Social isolation is abnormal and so is not having any connection with any other people; I feel a pang of envy anytime I do see people together in groups....to have that security, from friendship, must be a nice feeling....to see couples doubles the pang.
My biggest fear, normally brought on during the depths of a bad depressive episode, is that I will die in my flat and no one will know or find out....I will be consumed by flies; this feeling keeps me alive when at my worst. The need to be ‘known’ or missed is an odd one but we all live to feel that.
My cut off from ‘people’ and relationships has been such a long one that I am rather numb to effects; sex was years ago, a memory I can recall now and then. I think there is a truth though when people say that sex is more important when you are not getting it.
I have missed out on many things because of this illness....it has cost me more than I could ever add up; It has cost me seeing places and doing so many things.
So the down side to my invented company is that she is not real...she is very kind, too kind in fact, and no not in any sexual way....she is kind as a person and kind to me and this is not a feeling I have ever known. Each time I think of her the desolate reality kicks in that she doesn’t exist and that I am here alone...talking to walls, which I have done for about 8 years.
Depression is a monster....I can accept BDD, but depression is a beast. It has been with me for so long that I doubt it will ever go fully....I just hope I have not missed too much.
TR Nov/2010
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