Saturday, 21 May 2011

Depression....Self Harm Vlog

I was failed as a Child...when I should not have been

Not many things get my back up than people talking shit about depression and self harm. I have seen much of it on line recently. Some people really need to either take some time to read up on the subject or live with it themselves. If I were them I would opt for the former. This is an illness that you really do not want.

For me, my therapy is going really well and I had a good session yesterday where we did mostly imaging work.

I had an interesting moment when I handed over my Schema diary sheet to John; A schema diary is an A4 sheet of paper that asks you to write down details of something that may have affected you on a particular day. It allows John to read what schema it was that was attacking me....anyway I apologized to John for my handwriting. I have always done this when someone has to read my writing. He gave me a look and suggested that I live with this every minute....this apologizing for things that are not my fault. It was automatic, what I said. I did not even consider that I was sitting with my Psychologist.

It was an interesting moment because John was able to experience one of my Schema's working in that room against me. As soon as I have to show someone my writing I feel that I am back in the bully class room. I am being judged because my S looks like a 5. All the humiliation of an 8 year old being told he can not join up his letters and has to keep repeating writing giant S's yet still can not get it right, comes back to haunt me.

During our imaging session John took me back in that Class. He gave me a chance to talk to young me....young Tim....he also spoke with the Teacher....and slaughtered her for incompetence.

I now have proof, without any shadow of doubt, that my defectiveness schema was born during this time. This went on to grow inside me until I believed, and still do, that I am no good at anything. I was failed as a child. Of that there is no doubt. I was let down by the people who should have noticed and who should have done something about it....but they failed me. John and I are now 100% convinced of this and we now go back to those moments to equalize them. It is cathartic and it will slowly repair me. We are 15 months in to the therapy and slowly I am winning...........slowly. But I now know why I have done harm to myself.

Tim Roberts (London 2011)

Tuesday, 10 May 2011

Attacked by a Schema and BDD at Fever Pitch

I am getting the kick in my head telling me that my BDD showing up again; I know John will tell me that it is my schema's attacking me but they are very hard too fight back against. It is my worse schema, my defective one. I scored the highest score possible on this one during Psychological tests.

I have done well and been on a good balance for some time now but I can hear the storm in the background and I know it will come over my head anytime soon.

I continue to find it very hard to do life alone and to be this isolated. I want affection but have to live with the fact that I will never find it. Being born this freaky means I took the wrong pack of cards and coming to terms with that is as hard now as it was when I was a teenager.

Writing 'lost romantic soul' poetry  does me no good and I am often at war with it so I am not going to write anymore. I have deleted several of my writes and will be leaving the blog open for anyone who wishes to see it but I am not going to write anymore.

Do forgive me in advance because I know the next few weeks will be tough. I will try to hide it.

Tim (London May 20111)