Saturday, 13 August 2016

Isolation and Wishing for Monday to Come

When, only on the odd occasion thankfully these days, melancholia pays me a visit, I don't even have someone I can call to have a coffee with. I literally know no one on that kind of basis.

I was born and raised in London but don't know a soul. During the worst of my depression, 10 years ago or so, I found that anyone I knew dropped off one by one.

Being a man of my vintage it becomes harder and harder to strike up friendships / relationships. Particularly in London.

So the point of this blog is not to ask for the violins but to try to make folk understand how isolating life can be once you come out of the void of a long term illness.

This year has been extra tough because I've had a health scare I'm still going through and hopefully I'll finally get sorted in September. I've spent much of this year having scans and blood tests - worrying but I have perspective on these things. 

I think I'm a mildly ok sort of person and at times I feel angry that I can't strike up meaningful friendships - as I said - it's very hard in London.

I spend my weekend looking forward to Monday because my only human interaction is at work - I often go the whole weekend without ever talking - unless I talk to myself. 

The upsetting thing for me is I don't know how it came to this - I'm not a bad man - I've no criminal record. Never been in trouble. 

It's upsetting also because I'm missing out - on life - adventures - though I do go away - there's nothing more shit than a holiday on your own.

So, if you know someone who has had depression or someone who still has, then don't let them down - be a mate. Let them know you are there.

One of the reasons I use Twitter is to help my isolation - to help me have a chat with adults - though these days it's not much good for that either. 

My films and books are my company and its why I talk about them on Twitter - to try to engage with folk.

I get by - I work hard - but I bet I'm not alone in wanting Monday to come so that I can rejoin the world. I've tried every way of meeting new potential friends. But when you're a 51 year old man it's difficult - and folk look at you with suspicion when they find out you have no social circle, so on it goes. Your past problems with depression don't leave you. 

Tim - London - 2016