Social Isolation/Twitter and I.

It's very difficult to explain what work I do with John and have done for coming on for four years come January. If you are reading this you will be on the internet. It's called Schema Therapy, a form of deep CBT. Look it up.  They are the root to my chronic depression.

I have two schemas that I scored highest on when assessed. Defective and Social Isolation. I have a deep seared belief that I am defective. BDD if you like. I do believe this. I believe I am ugly and have no relation in looks and physicality to any other man. This has been my belief for as far back as my mind takes me.  John has proved to me that these beliefs were  established in me around the age of 7/8.  My learning difficulty was badly dealt with at School.  I am dyslexic. John diagnosed this when I was 45!!

So social isolation. Sounds straight forward enough. Far from it. I find it almost impossible to do things that most find so easy. The idea of say going in to a pub full of people will keep me awake for days. Going to the supermarket takes days of mental planning.  My life is going to work and coming home the quickest way possible.

People say, 'you live in London, how can you avoid people ?'. Easy ..London makes it easier in that I can get lost in crowds of strangers. It's the up close and personal stuff that I find impossible.

It has cost me much. I am a total social recluse. I can't establish relationships, love, sex, and all the messy stuff. I've been single coming up to a decade. It has cost me just experiencing things.

Some things are not so hard to do now. I can plan to go the Theatre in advance.

Strangely I can sit in a bar in Paris and feel ok. It's as if the language barrier somehow protects me.

I live alone. I have just the one friend who I trust my life with. I live in a darkness that is so hard to put into words. Desolate. Empty. Noisy silence.

I've never written anything for sympathy. I am not looking for it. I write and tweet truths about it just so people may understand a bit more or someone may think it sounds familiar and that they won't have to feel alone.

And that brings me to why I tweet. It's my company. My lover. My mate. My outlet. My pub.
People dig at me for the time I spend tweeting. Because they are perfect. Always strange how they tweet me this info. It's allowed me expression, creation, proper friendship. My shell opened up on it.

I'm an ok person. Not mad. Never been arrested. I work hard for the down trodden in my community.

Twitter is my small entry into a social life. It is mainly safe. I've been tweeting for 4 years. Folk who have followed me that long kind of know me. I've never known anyone for 4 years apart from my parents.

It will sound very melodramatic to those who don't suffer the side dishes of depression but it saved my life to a degree. I know this to be 100%  true.

I started the Pinter acc and it's loved. And despite the big names who follow it
the big joy for me is been a kid says he picked up a play and read it for the first time because of it. That's my being social. I exist most days. So don't judge me.

Tim ...London 2013

Depression...the real last Taboo

You know me by now...you know me by now because you follow me on twitter. I tend to speak off the cuff. I don't shirk the issue. I am a truth teller...well, ok it is my truth. Facing the truth will free you.

Here we are late in 2012 and depression is still a taboo subject. And coming from a man???..shock horror..shoot me now!!

I get a little pissed off with the 'celebrity' depression. They check in to The Priory because they can afford the £500 per nigh fee's. They normally check in after a tabloid has caught them with their nose in the coke bag. Best to say you are having a break down rather than just casually experimenting with Class A drugs. For some reason this kind of 'depression' will win you kudos.

I am not saying for one minute that because you are famous you can't suffer depression. It is an illness that knows no divide. It is just that small number of assholes who can see their career going down the shitter and turn to depression and The Priory to court sympathy.

Bipolar seems trendy with this sort of person at the moment. I have been in hospital with people who suffer bipolar....it is no to be mocked...and I find it astonishing the high level jobs the trendy bipolar celeb has. Presenting TV shows...etc etc....I will leave it there.

Depression kills....depression is something that people would rather not talk about. Well tough...because talking is what is needed.

I have had a good life, up to a point. It could have been worse but it could have been much better. Depression has cost me so much.

I have been in recovery now for 3 years...as you know my therapist is a genius. He pulled me from my gutter. I have to fight it everyday but these days I tend to win.

It has cost be relationships...the reason I am long term single is so that I could deal with this black dog on my shoulder and not bring my gloom on others. So now I am 48 and, well, maybe the 'big love' has passed me by. I will not get depressed about this...(promise...it's a joke)

I shall be doing some blogs in the coming weeks and try and tell my side of what it has taken to beat the darkness.....beat is a bit final....I am beating it...that sounds more active.

I love life...I have my 'own way'. Others would see it has lonely, maybe...but I like what and who I am now.

It took 20 years but ...I would not change it. It has shaped me......odd that really.

T.R London 2012

ATOS ..The Shit That Stinks The Sewer.

I am not someone The Daily Mail can put a label on. Never been a ponce. Paid my Tax. Worked since 16.

A couple of years back I did need the help of the benefits system for a very short period of time, like most normal people will do at some point in their working lives. The majority of us have uncertain jobs. We are not all Civil Servants who appear to believe they are entitled to everything.

Because of my various battles with Depression/BDD I was forced, by one of the best Psychologists in the business, to take time out of work.

I found myself sitting in front of an ATOS health worker. The whole experience was humiliating.

I don't mind someone questioning mine or anyone else's health condition if they hold a qualification within the particular field of expertise in your condition.

I sat in front of someone who had 'Nurse' on their badge. Now I am not trying to be a cunt here but I would not discuss my health to an NHS nurse. A nurse is a nurse. A nurse is NOT a Dr. Is NOT a consultant. Nurses are marvelous but they are not qualified to have opinions on clinical conditions. They are there to serve the condition.

From the moment I walked in the ATOS office I was struck by the coldness of the staff. In their eyes you were guilty as charged with Daily Mail crimes. ATOS employees are bastards.

I had the advantage of not having to worry that their decision on me would ruin me. I would return to work at anytime. Because of this advantage I took on the person who interviewed me.

He had a list of set questions that had no relation to my problems.

I asked him what right he had to question a very experienced 58 year old Psychologist. I asked him what he knew about BDD or Chronic Depression. He had no clue the former existed and he did not know what Chronic meant. I kid you not.

The whole attitude of ATOS staff to me would have made Hitler blush.

They are sub human, these people. No one can possibly love them. How do they sleep at night? Where is their humanity? Where are their ethics if they are nurses/Dr's. Ask any Dr worth his salt and he/she will say they have no clue who ATOS Dr's are or where they came from.

I don't hate them because they cut me off....they didn't. I was successful. I hate them because of what they represent.

There are people out there taking the piss out of the system. Just come round here and check the amount of people with Blue Badge disabled car parking permits. These same people get around perfectly OK. There is a woman on my block who has not worked for 15 years and many of us here could not say why. She has a good life on benefits and yes she should be held to account.

But 99.9% of people who have to go through the system are genuine. They deserve better than an amateur organization like ATOS.

ATOS is a fake company. No one who works for them is a genuine Dr. If they are then the ethical body that looks after Dr's and Nurses should strike them off.

The contempt I have for ATOS knows no bounds. They are the scum of the earth.  As low a form of life that you can find. I include every single one of their employee's in this.

I would rather starve and live homeless than ever let these people dictate my life.

I can only wish the most awful things upon anyone who works for them.  The planned occupations of their offices is, in my eyes, not enough, but it will do for now.

London 2012

Recovery and Living

I often receive moving emails, comments, regarding my vlogs and blogs about mental health issues. Total strangers step out from the dark.

My own rehab and recovery has taken 15 hard years. Time I will never get back, but if my role in life is to speak out, it will all be worth it. I will not stand by and watch the discrimination and sending to Coventry of those who live in darkness. this 'thing' has been part of my life since a teenager and now I feel like I have cut the chains....

I have sacrificed happiness to get my head right....that is probably the wrong expression....a chronic depressive sacrificing happiness!! What I mean is, I have had to do this on my own. Year upon year of coming home to total silence. Everyone turned their back....but I am their loss...

I have met so many people on this path that I would never have met, so in one way I am grateful to my demons. I have also been treated by the most amazing inspiring people. I am lucky but I had to fight for it. Depression and BDD are aliens in our society of bullshit and shallow ideals. I do know now that I will never step inside The Priory again.

I have been with John for 2 years and 3 months now. He has changed my life and I owe him everything.  I know by my recent relapse that this will never really be over....but I also know by the way I dealt with it that I do now have the tools to help myself.

I will never plan life......I never have. I just go with it....I am far more chilled then I have ever been in my life.

Someone said a really amazing thing to me at work the other day....they said  ''you are a happy person''.....this means so much to me...that I outwardly now look like someone who is always laughing and having a laugh. Inwardly this is also true 80% of the time.....the other 20% can go and fuck itself.

I now feel like the radical I once was again.....going to work back in Theatre again is just the cherry on top....it completed me. That is why I love it. Was my first love at 16....

I now know the limitations of everything and the potential of nothing.....that is how you keep a level head.

Thanks for reading..............

Tx (London, March 2012)

40 years repaired in 2 years

I will never be totally free of my demons but I hope I now have the tools to manage them.

The past two years have been tough in terms of therapy and the work I have had to put in. I have not finished with John quite yet but I am a different man now.

My body issues still always pop up in conversation and there are some aspects of me I will never be convinced about; I just feel now that these are not running my life any more. I am getting bolder socially and I walk around with a 'bit' more confidence.

2011 has been so important for me and I am a little bit proud of myself. The work I have to do on myself will never end but I am happy to do it.

Depression and BDD have both blighted my life in a way I am not talented enough to be able to express in words but I now hope I can live with some quality of life....I aim to carry on exposing the discrimination that persons with mental health issues face in so called 'normal' society.

We are all normal; its just that some of us are brave enough to admit to our demons and fight them back.

Tim (London 2011)

I will FIGHT in your corner

There is no end to depression....there is just the management of it. This last two years has changed me and having found John is the best thing that ever happened to me. He is a top class therapist. But it will all be wasted if I let go of what I have been taught.

My role now is to fight for the rights of those who suffer the stigma and discrimination of mental illness in whatever form it takes. I will go after the bastards who make life hell for those already in a type of hell.

I don't care who you are, if you continue with the attitude this Country has to depression I am going to expose you in public. Name and shame is the game.

The rest of my life will be spent looking out for those who have no voice. I am an activist and it is what I was put here to be. Your move.....but be sure of one thing. You do not want to pitch against me.

Tim (London December 2011)

Big Men do Cry...Depression and being a Man about it.

Nobody knows why Gary Speed took his life and I have no right to speculate so I won't. However, his suicide has prompted a debate on both radio and television regarding men and depression.

I have often wanted to do a blog so that I can do this subject justice, because as you know I am a walking expert on chronic depression, but I always fear my dyslexia will prevent me from really hammering home how desolate this cruel illness really is and how society still shuns it.

I have suffered and when I say suffer I mean really suffer. I tried to take my life, and no it was not a cry for help. I just wanted out of the darkness. This attempt resulted in my being locked up on an acute mental ward back in 1998. I spent 4 other occasions on such a ward. I also received 12 x ECT...known to you as Electric Shock Treatment in 1999.....I am still here. And I have a voice.

Really from that day on people started to shun me; it was a rapid process. I mean I am a man and I am not supposed to be 'weak'. Women treat you the worst believe it or not but that is for another day.

I have been in and out of therapy now for 17 years and it has been tough and I have now sustained the longest period of my life without having a depressive episode. The last one was a year ago this month. I was lucky in that I met John and with his brilliant method of Therapy over the past 3 years I am getting there but it has been so hard.

We have a problem in the UK and men seem to be taking the brunt of it. Who are we and what are we these days? Who cares for male issues? We have a society problem in that as men we are not supposed to cry or suffer and if you do it is seen as weakness. Don't believe all that a woman likes to see a man cry.

I have spent year after year after year on my own. Night after night after night. How many people reading this have gone over ten years without the security of a simple arm around your shoulder? I have learned to live with silence and isolation and made myself a better person for it but by all accounts I should be long dead.

Depression is a dark hole and lives behind the eyes. Don't pretend you know what is going on with someone just because they appear to have it all. Depression does not discriminate in any way.

Men are asked to 'open up' but when they do everyone takes cover. Men told that they need to go and speak with someone; well your first port of call would be a GP and lets face it their surgeries all appear to have been built for women only.

We live in a country where being a man means you are very much diluted when it comes to health. I could write a book on this subject but I would bore myself with it.

The stigma for men with depression or any mental illness is 10 fold on what it is for women. And it is the great scandal of the early 21st Century that this country is more than a little in the dark ages in attitude.

Don't shun people with depression if you know someone because you will lose them one day. We don't listen to melancholy music all the time and cry. Most of us will find a dark room and suffer alone until it passes and then we just get on with life. But do make sure you talk...talk to those you
know.

Me? I will survive......I am going nowhere and doing life solo has taught me much. I kind of love me now but only kind of and that is a better place than I have ever been in.

We live in a country where macho men are lauded and where so called weakness is bullied. It is us who look in the mirror and acknowledge our problem who are the real macho ones. Big men do cry.

Tim (London Nov 2011)

NHS Embrace Mindfulness

I am at a critical part of my long term rehab and therapy with John. I told him yesterday that I am aware how lucky I am not have had 19 months of hard core schema therapy on the NHS. I have built in values that make me appreciate this fully. I am different now....I am not the broken person who walked into Crisis 22 months ago.

I have also been part of a group that investigates the complexes of emotions....but I have been even luckier having been invited to a group that investigates Mindfulness....meditation. It has yielded good results in helping chronic depression....it is now on the list of repairs for depression by NICE.

I am starting to try it but concentration is one of the hardest things for me so I will have to work harder.

I am fascinated by two facts....a Buddhist Monk was put through an MIR scan and his brain make up was different to the average.....but so was a London Taxi Drivers....how mad is that?

Knowing what fucked my head up as a kid is something that I can now get over....having the tools etc kind of helps. I have also been allowed to embrace who I am....I sold him(me) down river slightly...victim of a working class stereotype....I like the things I like and it is ok to be different....as for my sexuality, I don't give a fuck what anyone says about it anymore.....I am who I am.....

Tim (London August 2011)

Self Harm..Some Truths and Myths

Some of the journalism recently has spoken nothing but festering dog shit about self harm. I imagined that going to university improved your brain but it appears they all leave them there...here are some truths to take away some myths.

Firstly, as is often said, self harm is not attention seeking in the vast majority of cases. It is something very private and something that most hide. I am asked about the healed fab burns on my arms. If the person can handle the truth I will tell them it but they are not medals of war so I avoid it.

At its height I self harmed everyday for about 4 years....mainly burning and self medicating. I am lucky that most days I never think like this anymore.

Self harm can lead you to elation after you have just tried to fight off a tension to do something far worse...it is like a pressure release from a deep pain....a pain that has no word to describe it suitable in the English language.

When you are in mental pain/anguish you can not see it....it is 100% invisible. Self harm is part of ownership and control.....if you are in pain you may as well feel some. It is a way of retuning your brain...this is physical pain and that is mental pain.....believe me the mental one is far greater than a burn or a cut.

The idea that someone wakes up one day and says, ''uhm, think I will stub that fag out on my arm' is a ridiculous one and an opinion held by utter cunts (pardon my french).

The whole world of chronic depression and self harm is a very private affair....the isolation, desolation...the darkness. You would not wish it on a person you hate to the pits of the earth.

So all media wankers....do some research...ask some real people....or keep your collective mouths shut.

Our attitude to self harm in the UK is vile....cavemen would have known better.

T A Roberts ( London July 2011)

Don't Walk..........in Silence (self harm and near death)

About 11 years ago I woke up to what I was doing to myself with self medication...I mean, I literally woke up.

All I remember was hearing my two telephones ringing and I woke up head down on my bedroom floor, fully dressed. My family had been trying to get hold of me and were quite mad at me....as I spoke on the phone I assumed it was Thursday, because it had been Thursday the last time I checked. The fact was it was Saturday and somehow I had lost two days...nights.

I have lived on my own for many, many years and it is almost a dead cert that no one would have rung on my door bell apart from the Postman. This little episode scared me because I was on my own and out of it....I ended up in A&E for two days after this whilst the medication left my body.

At this point I had not been in an acute ward for two years and my shrink was playing tough love with me by saying he would not stick me back in the mental hospital.

It still took me about 4 more years to pull away from self medication and burning my arms...when I have a deep depression now I have more of the tools to deal with it and I have not even thought of self harm....but the one thing that has really kept it at bay is that thought of dieing alone.....in silence...and maybe it being weeks before anyone found me.....

It is a strange kind of self therapy but it worked for me.... I am beating my demons....1 by 1....its a slow game one has to play.

T A Roberts (London July 2011)