I will grow up to be a Man....One day (BDD attacks)

Had an interesting therapy session with John on Friday; I was made to challange my deep belief system that I am defective....as I have mentioned before, my defective schema is the one that scored the highest and is the one that attacks me the most.

You see I believe that I don't look anything like a man....I do not look like the man types that I pass everyday and I am still in that teen mindset where you can not wait to grow up so that you can look like a grown up...as far as I am concerned I do not look anything like any other man. Even my beard is corrupt!

So I had to do the 'empty chair' method where I talk to me....as if my schema is talking to me....so I gave John quite a headache because he was scribbling stuff down at 100 miles per hour....I give him so much to work with because my condition is so so complex.....and I believe that I do look correct more then I have ever believed in anything else.

I have been under a BDD attack for the past week so it was a timely session.... I feel lucky that I have not had a chronic depression attack for some time now so it allows me to try and work on my body image stuff with a clearer mind.

John explained to me how our eyes see things differently when in a depression....I have often described it as a skewed vision...there is scientific proof that depression makes things look different and this is good to know because this is something I recognize. We also talked about dimensions and LCD.....this is how we roll.

I still know 100% that I am different and somehow do not fit in this world but I am managing it better now. I live an isolated life and do not wish to mix with people......I doubt that will ever change. But as long as I can get by on my own I will be ok................I have up until now...

T A Roberts (London July 2011)

Good Days, Mirrors And Beating BDD/Depression

Things have slowly changed for me in the past 18 months of therapy. The mirror presents a challenge still but not to the degree that it once did. I shall forever have to fight BDD and Chronic Depression but I am now getting the tools to know how to.

I have returned to embracing the arts and the things that made me me. I was always the black sheep and now I am starting to this as a sign of strength rather than weakness. We live in a country where the majority seem to strive to be the same as the next person. How boring is a world like that?

I am different and I know I am....I only have to read my diagnostic sheet to know that...BDD, Chronic Depression, Personality Disorder, Anxiety Disorder. Makes me sound like a train crash. But I am not, I am just not the same as the rest and I am starting, very slowly, to see the uniqueness in it and embrace it like you would a fragile baby.

I have got away from needing love...sex..relationships....it has been nearly 7 years since I got up close and personal sexually. It was such a big deal to me but now I accept that I am not everyone's cup of tea and that this is part of life and that you have to get on with it. If I never kiss a girl or never have sex again it will not kill me and I need to stop beating me up....and how I did beat me up. The damage I have done to my person is too much to contemplate.

I think the thearapy has dampened my ability to write my poems.......so be it. My dyslexia is improving and I am reading like a book whore addicted to books..........I love this and what I am discovering. I found Theatre again, which is my only real love and my first. Life is good even though I am poorer then I have ever been.

Chronic depression will have its days with me, I know that and I am ready for it....it has been here forever but I will be able to fight back a bit more now.

I am in a good place and it is not all dark out there anymore..............for now.

T A Roberts (London July 2011)

Depression....Self Harm Vlog

I was failed as a Child...when I should not have been

Not many things get my back up than people talking shit about depression and self harm. I have seen much of it on line recently. Some people really need to either take some time to read up on the subject or live with it themselves. If I were them I would opt for the former. This is an illness that you really do not want.

For me, my therapy is going really well and I had a good session yesterday where we did mostly imaging work.

I had an interesting moment when I handed over my Schema diary sheet to John; A schema diary is an A4 sheet of paper that asks you to write down details of something that may have affected you on a particular day. It allows John to read what schema it was that was attacking me....anyway I apologized to John for my handwriting. I have always done this when someone has to read my writing. He gave me a look and suggested that I live with this every minute....this apologizing for things that are not my fault. It was automatic, what I said. I did not even consider that I was sitting with my Psychologist.

It was an interesting moment because John was able to experience one of my Schema's working in that room against me. As soon as I have to show someone my writing I feel that I am back in the bully class room. I am being judged because my S looks like a 5. All the humiliation of an 8 year old being told he can not join up his letters and has to keep repeating writing giant S's yet still can not get it right, comes back to haunt me.

During our imaging session John took me back in that Class. He gave me a chance to talk to young me....young Tim....he also spoke with the Teacher....and slaughtered her for incompetence.

I now have proof, without any shadow of doubt, that my defectiveness schema was born during this time. This went on to grow inside me until I believed, and still do, that I am no good at anything. I was failed as a child. Of that there is no doubt. I was let down by the people who should have noticed and who should have done something about it....but they failed me. John and I are now 100% convinced of this and we now go back to those moments to equalize them. It is cathartic and it will slowly repair me. We are 15 months in to the therapy and slowly I am winning...........slowly. But I now know why I have done harm to myself.

Tim Roberts (London 2011)

Attacked by a Schema and BDD at Fever Pitch

I am getting the kick in my head telling me that my BDD showing up again; I know John will tell me that it is my schema's attacking me but they are very hard too fight back against. It is my worse schema, my defective one. I scored the highest score possible on this one during Psychological tests.

I have done well and been on a good balance for some time now but I can hear the storm in the background and I know it will come over my head anytime soon.

I continue to find it very hard to do life alone and to be this isolated. I want affection but have to live with the fact that I will never find it. Being born this freaky means I took the wrong pack of cards and coming to terms with that is as hard now as it was when I was a teenager.

Writing 'lost romantic soul' poetry  does me no good and I am often at war with it so I am not going to write anymore. I have deleted several of my writes and will be leaving the blog open for anyone who wishes to see it but I am not going to write anymore.

Do forgive me in advance because I know the next few weeks will be tough. I will try to hide it.

http://borisdanski.blogspot.com/

Tim (London May 20111)

Expose The Bastards (Discrimination Stinks)

I have taken the first steps this week in exposing the bastard Employers who still break the Law by keeping Health Tick Boxes in their Application forms. I will starve to death until I have done at least a little something to take these Fascists on. Let's face it....most HR departments force the most anal bullshit on Employee's with politically correctness coming out of their ears but they seem incapable of taking this form out of their application forms. Yes, you do not have to fill it in but the fact that it is still there will put you under pressure.

When you have a mental illness but wish to work your employer has the legal obligation to offer you 'reasonable adjustment' to your hours. Say for example, if like me, you need an appointment to go and see your Shrink or Therapist to get you better, the Employer is obliged to help you with this by adjusting your hours..the word reasonable comes into play...it has to suit both parties but their failure to do so is discrimination within the disability act.

I am, and have always been, a 100% honest and hard working Employee. But I now find I can not get a job doing anything at all and believe me I would do anything. I will go in the Sewers with the shit and rats if someone will give me a chance. I am being being wasted. I am a multi skilled handyman with 30 years experience and I have other skills that would suit many an Employer. But the door is closed and while it remains closed I will do all I can to expose the treatment of those with Mental Health issues. I am now a full time activist and I will carry on until I see what I think are the Human Rights of us being granted. Employers get away with far too much in the UK and now some pretty major Mental Health organisations are up their ass. We are watching you...and we will expose you in the media....

T A Roberts (London April 2011)

Nail The Employers Who Break The Law/Human Rights

Below is a pasted part of an email I received from the amazing Rethink....Do NOT accept Employers who still have Health Questions on Application Forms....read on and act. Do not accept the BULLY tactics of Employers anymore...It is time we got militant and outraged! This is the 2011 and we no longer live in Caves. Face your truth for it is your truth that will save you. Own your depression or mental illness and shout about it for the roof tops. You are Human...You Have Rights

If you are finding application forms that are asking questions that are not permitted, (including health questions when this is not of key importance to the job role), then individuals cannot bring a claim against these employers. However, the Equality and Human Rights Commission can do so.

 

Previously it was difficult to show discrimination when a disabled person lost out on a job. However, now, under section 60 of the Equality Act, an employer who asks unlawful health questions will be assumed to have discriminated against an unsuccessful disabled candidate. It would be up to the employer to prove that disability did not play a part in their decision.

 

You could bring any application forms asking unlawful questions to the attention of the Equality and Human Rights Commission (EHRC). If you have applied for any of these roles and been unsuccessful, then you could also contact the EHRC for advice;
englandhelpline@equalityhumanrights.com 
0845 604 6610 - England main number
It does also say that the Mind legal unit would be interested to be kept informed of application forms with unlawful health questions. The details for this team are:0300 466 6463
legal@mind.org.uk


Love is the blog dog called Boris Danski....fight on and rise up against the law breakers. Tim xx The Militant Depressive.

April 2011 London
  

Comments can Kill...

Mirrors reflect; mirrors can be your worst enemy but it tends to be other people who leave you with a fucked up reflection of the real you. Yes, what's inside really matters but a comment made about your appearance can mess you up for life and can, in many cases, lead to eating disorders, OCD's and Body Dismorphic Disorder.

The above can lead to suicide or a life of hell and not ever being able to accept yourself. I am a 46 year old man and I suffer with BDD. During the hard core therapy I have had over the past 15 months it has become blindingly obvious that the bullying I experienced at School went a very long way to causing me some of the mental hell I have been through since. It is a sum of the parts but an important one.

The next time you think of commenting on how someone looks(in the negative) do consider this; it passed from your lips in a micro second but could live with that person for many years. Who really gives a fuck what shape people are or how small they are or how large?...Disorders come to people from all back grounds...Women, Men, Boys, Girls, rich, poor...the effects of mental hell do not discriminate.

My mirror checking is nowhere near as bad as it was. I have stopped self harm. But when I do look in a mirror and when I do feel bad, the comments that were made about me over the years start ringing in my head. Bullying caused a defective schema to trigger off a life of self loathing...this was planted in me at 8 years old and stayed with me. I have been on an acute Psychiatric ward and nearly killed myself twice....funny isn't it?

These days there is the most ridiculous and vile need to 'look good'. Who says? Some cheap throw away trash magazines and fucked up red top Tabloids. It is not real..none of it. Is it ok for the Daily Mail to name a whole generation of kids Chavs?...no its Fascist. Yet this one word is used to abuse a whole section of society and mainly because of how they dress and look...I see them as our beautiful and beat up youth. Everyone brings colour to the world....no matter where you come from.

I promise you that no one will ever want to have BDD...but I fear the pressures being put on young women and men will have a pay back in 10 or 20 years time that we will all regret.

I would like to link you to this blog by Kate Nash, a talented and creative lady who is in the public eye. I read it and it was perfectly worded......it matters not who you are; the body image and what is said about you can hurt and have devastating effects. Be nice to people....click link below.

http://myignorantyouth.blogspot.com/2011/04/freaks-hold-hands.html

http://borisdanski.blogspot.com/2011/02/photographs-will-find-her.html A poem about the beauty of youth by me x

T A Roberts London 2011

Letter to Government Ministers..please do the same

Below is the email I have sent to the Government Ministers who are charged with Employment regulating. If you have experienced discrimination during the application process or think you have please feel free to paste this email or write your own to ministers@dwp.gsi.gov.uk; It is illegal for you to be asked any health questions prior to a job offer as of October 2010 and this is part of the discrimination act 2006.

Dear Sirs

I am looking for some advice as to how best to deal with a problem I keep coming up against.

As of October 2010 an applicant does not have to fill in the health questionnaire on a job application form. I have a health issue and I am trying to find a job so that I can work around my issue and continue my treatment. I am finding, on every occasion, that employers keep the health questionnaire in their application form.

When I do not fill the form in, because I am not obliged to, I am often asked why, yet the discrimination act clearly states that no questions regarding the applicants health can be asked until a job offer has been made.

There are also stealth ways that Employers use to get information that an applicant is not obliged to give; Age, Sexual Orientation and Health on the Equal Opportunities form.

This is all illegal practise yet every job I apply for still asks these questions on application forms.

Please advise me how I deal with this. I have faced positive discrimination because of this and it is difficult to prove. The idea of the act is supposed to support those who face discrimination but this is failing because these questions are asked during the pre interview stage, so many times I am not even getting through the door.

Kind Regards

Tim Roberts (London)

UK Employers In Breach of Discrimination Laws..EXPOSE THEM!

HR departments and Employers up and down the Country are breaking the law on several fronts and I am using this blog to expose it and ask you to spread this as far as you can and even write to your M.P and Government ministers. I have done so this morning. The UK is at the epicentre of Mental Health discrimination and Employers are getting away with it.

As of October 2010 it became Illegal for any Employer to ask you any health related questions prior to the offer of employment. As you can imagine I have had to fill in many forms in my quest to get a job. Every form I have seen still has the health tick box. The fact that it is still there could make you obliged to fill it in.

Age and sexual orientation does have to be revealed either yet Date of Birth question still exists.  If you fill in an Equal Opportunities’ form your age is asked as is your health and sexual orientation. This is not legal. Why do these forms get pushed under your nose prior to a job offer? Many employers will ask you to bring a Passport to the interview...well your date of birth is on there! This is a stealth way of finding out your age and the Equal Opportunities’ forms are a stealth way of finding out information you should not have to disclose until job offer.

Mental Health discrimination in the work place is rife. When you consider that HR departments tend to suffer anal retention to the max and push the PC regulations at every turn, it seems odd that they can not reprint their application forms to reflect current law.

Once a job offer has been made then the employee can disclose all. The idea of anti discrimination legislation is so that once the job offer is made the employer can not pull the carpet without looking like they are discriminating against your mental illness or any other health issue you have. Obviously there are caveats for certain positions but in the whole this information does not need to be collected.

To this end every high street employment agency is breaking the law; they ask all these questions on registration....it is time to expose the Employers who continue to break the law. I have faced positive discrimination in terms of my depression and dyslexia. I am not going to sit and take it and I am going to get someone to listen......please RT or link this blog for me. Act against discrimination by Employers.

T A Roberts London April 2011